Modern technology in LotR

[mollyringle]

A silly LOTR post...because it's been way, way too long.

Sometimes you encounter crossover or alternate-universe fanfics in which the Internet or TV or some other modern innovation (e.g., hair dryers, usually in conjunction with Pretty Elves) exists in Middle-Earth. So here's my flippant off-the-cuff list of...

Top Ten Advantages of Introducing Modern Technology to L.O.T.R.

Warning: possible spoilers.

10. Shampoo, electric razors, deodorant. Enough said. (Excepting Legolas, who doesn't appear to need these.)

9. Text message from Gandalf to Frodo: "It's OK, I'm alive. U guys in Mordor yet?"

8. Voice of Saruman could probably be shouted down with bullhorn.

7. Mithril vest for one member of Fellowship: good. Kevlar vests for all nine members of Fellowship: better.

6. Shock collar on Gollum would ensure he couldn't go sneaking ahead.

5. Cell phone call from Theoden to Eomer: "Yeah, we need you to turn around and come meet us at Helm's Deep. Right now. Oh, and bring the tank."

4. Anti-aircraft artillery very effective against flying Nazgul.

3. Shelob's Lair much easier to navigate with night-vision goggles.

2. Swords and Light of Earendil: good. Giant can of Raid sprayed directly into spider's eyes: better.

1. Attach Ring to atomic bomb. Have Gwaihir-the-eagle drop it on Mount Doom. Problem solved.

Feel free to suggest others. Granted, there would be serious disadvantages too - imagine if Sauron and Saruman got hold of heat-seeking missiles or whatnot. But this is just for fun, so let's not get too heavy.

And please note: I AM NOT BEING SERIOUS AND I DO REALIZE IT WOULD RUIN THE ENTIRE PLOT TO INTRODUCE MODERN INNOVATIONS.

Sorry about that. Sometimes people are humor-impaired and I need to put the Sarcasm Alert Sticker two inches in front of their eyes before they get it.

Comments

[evil-holls.livejournal.com]

HEHEHE! Those are soo amusing. . .mind if I post them in my journal?

[mollyringle.livejournal.com]

Go ahead. Thanks!

[cenire.livejournal.com]

*giggles* #9 amuses me intensely. Just think, all the time they were wondering what everyone else was up to... ;)

[mollyringle.livejournal.com]

Exactly...wouldn't that perk up their mood?

Frodo: "Good news, Sam! Gandalf's alive and everyone's okay! I no longer feel so much like I'm naked in the dark and there's nothing between me and the wheel of fire."

[irishqueen.livejournal.com]

Hilarious! Reminds me quite of your condensed version of TTT -- and I'm still laughing over that ...

[mollyringle.livejournal.com]

Thank you! By the way, welcome to the madhouse. :)

[wildendeavour.livejournal.com]

*dies laughing* 10 pts for #10! Although then we would not have any jokes about "Manly Stubble."

9. Text message from Gandalf to Frodo: "It's OK, I'm alive. U guys in Mordor yet?" *giggles madly*

I love your wit and sarcasm. Makes the LoTR fandom a great place to be.

[mollyringle.livejournal.com]

Thanks dude. :)

Yeah, it's probably not worth losing the "manly stubble" jokes. But sometimes I really want to take a razor to Aragorn's face.

Sauron doesn't stand a chance

[darthbeckman.livejournal.com]

Instead of poring over those dusty old texts in the library, Gandalf can use his laptop, sign onto AOL, and do a Google search on "One Ring."

Sam and Frodo are stylin' when they cruise around Middle Earth in their shiny red sports car.

Why sing all those ancient songs and poems yourself when you can listen to an awesome techno remix on CD?

With a single platoon of M240 machine gunners at the Battle of Helms Deep, Aragorn can say to Gandalf, "I'm glad to see you big guy but I think we have everything under control."

Load them all onto a C-130 with parachutes: instant airborne fellowship.

Neutron bomb: will kill every living thing in Mordor but leave the bad-ass tower of Barad Dur still standing. Pefect for throwing awesome Halloween parties.

Re: Sauron doesn't stand a chance

[mollyringle.livejournal.com]

hahaha...dude, these are great!

Neutron bomb idea is way cool. It's true; you really wouldn't waste cool architecture like Barad-Dur or Cirith Ungol.

*imagines LOTR with Matrix-style techno soundtrack*...eeek!

[ofthedevilwater.livejournal.com]

Two words: Giant laser.

[sacredpumpkin33.livejournal.com]

Hmmmm...The Allan Parsons Project? *smirks*

[kabandra.livejournal.com]

Brita Water filter: so Sam and Frodo can drink the water in Mordor.
George Bush: he would have taken a preemptive strike agaist Sauron before he could gather all his forces.. jk (do not take that seriously.. pulease
~Thank you for posting those

[mollyringle.livejournal.com]

Good idea on the water filter. And, actually, I'd count destroying the Ring as a preemptive strike! :)

[misslunakitty.livejournal.com]

Hahahahaaa, i love the list. Great stuff. *giggling*

[almond-tiger.livejournal.com]

Those are great! I love the text message bit. It would make things *so* much easier. :)

[(Anonymous)]

Good stuff. How about:

Wargs with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads.

Serving secret fire/wielding flame of Anor: good. Industrial-strength fire extinguisher: better.

-Nithy

[mollyringle.livejournal.com]

Heheh...always love the frickin' laser beams.

Was wondering how to deal with the Balrog. Industrial-strength fire extinguisher is a nice idea. Fire hoses, too, maybe?

[jedmiller.livejournal.com]

Problem solved - I love it!

- "Hrmmmm, hoom! Sure I've heard of Hobbits! Hoom! But I just assumed that footage was from a mockumentary that used a cool-ass combination of CGI effects and old-fashioned perspective tricks."

- "Honey? Honey come in here and check out this GNN travel report on Eriador. Doesn't this local tour guide look sort of, I dunno, Numenorian?"

- "The White Council turned its mind to Gollum's whereabouts, but someone [glancing sideways at Elrond in irritation] forget to get a new 9-volt for his handheld GPS, so it took us, like, 2 extra hours to pick up the lo-jack signal I tagged him with."

- "Next up in our 'Gondor Besieged' coverage, images from our exclusive EctheliCam show a host of horsemen bearing down on the Minas Tirith area. We'll analyze the footage with a retired Citadel Guard..."

- "They were out of Kingsfoil, but I found some Cipro at the 7-Elevensy. Will that work?"

- "You will taste man-flesh! And don't forget to order the new McSouthron special while you're there!! With a Kiddy Palantir while supplies last. (Your parents put it together.)"

[mollyringle.livejournal.com]

Hahaha! Love these! GPS...now we're talkin'.

Oh, boy, the possibilities with 'Gondor Besieged' coverage. Would that make Merry an "embedded reporter"?

Seven-Elevensy..*giggle*

[wyvernwell.livejournal.com]

I like #2. Sam wouldn't forget to pack the Raid, if it existed. LOL.
Nice work Lemonlye!

[mollyringle.livejournal.com]

Exactly - he's a gardener; I'm sure he'd never forget Raid.
Your icon is hilarious, btw. :)

[secretbutterfly.livejournal.com]

ok, that made me laugh so hard i cried. seriously. LMAO
You rule. :-)

[penguinstar.livejournal.com]

funny funny

*snort*

[jewelsong.livejournal.com]

Cell phone call from Theoden to Eomer: "Yeah, we need you to turn around and come meet us at Helm's Deep. Right now. Oh, and bring the tank."

My favorite. Coffee came out my nose when I read this. I swear.

Re: *snort*

[mollyringle.livejournal.com]

Ouch. Sorry about that. ;)

Thanks

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

for my morning laugh.

Cheers,
Peg

[dorei.livejournal.com]

Saruman would not have needed to get palantir from Sauron as he could have picked one up in the latest Sharper Image catalog.

Isildur would have a better edge against the Ents if Saruman had Agent Orange.

Eowyn and Arwen would have been on the front lines thanks to EOE and the ACLU.

[mollyringle.livejournal.com]

*snickers at the Sharper Image thing*

(Assuming you mean "Isengard" rather than "Isildur".)

[rachel2205.livejournal.com]

I can just imagine the boy elves with one of those Babyliss Crazy Braiders or a set of crimpers...

OK, it may not seem funny written down, but I have a very amusing image of the elves having a slumber party, sitting on a bed painting their nails, styling their hair and gossiping about that gorgeous Aragorn and isn't that Arwen such a bitch?

Anyway...

[tiniowien.livejournal.com]

*snickers*

Lovely work. Gotta hand it to you, a tank would've come in mighty handy... ^_~

Oh, and:

OK, it may not seem funny written down, but I have a very amusing image of the elves having a slumber party, sitting on a bed painting their nails, styling their hair and gossiping about that gorgeous Aragorn and isn't that Arwen such a bitch?

^_^ You're not the only one who can see that scene playing out, Rachel...

P.S: I'm the crazy one who sent you those VSD and FOTR slash parody colls, lemonlye. Finally have a LJ! *bounces* Glad to be here! ^_^

[semielliptical]

Heehee! These are terrific, particularly:

7. Mithril vest for one member of Fellowship: good. Kevlar vests for all nine members of Fellowship: better.

And the Sarcasm Alert? That really made me laugh!

Funny girl

[xenedra.livejournal.com]

9. Text message from Gandalf to Frodo: "It's OK, I'm alive. U guys in Mordor yet?"

Too funny.

I just got done reading The Two Towers for the first time and I'm now halfway through Return of The King. (I'm a late bloomer...28 and never read Tolkien. *gasp!*) Glad I got through most of anything that would be a spoiler in that post...heheh...because I couldn't not read it. ;D

Re: Funny girl

[xenedra.livejournal.com]

Bah! A double negative! Sorry mom!

[kateelvellon.livejournal.com]

/clap!

[lordreaibn.livejournal.com]

that is hilarious. it has been too long, indeed. you continue to rock!

[oloriel.livejournal.com]

Dammit! It's your fault that I have to wipe my monitor AGAIN! Shame on you!
*grumbles*

Which means: This is hilarious. I laughed so hard my brother came in and asked whether I was alright. And that means something, considering how loud he has his music playing...
*g*
Have to learn not to drink while reading funny things though. *blink*

Awesome. You rock.

[mollyringle.livejournal.com]

*hands over a paper towel*

Sorry about that. But, thanks. ;)

interesting....

[ghanburighan.livejournal.com]

now that i think of it, although it would have ruined the entire story, why not just have gwahir carry frodo to the mountain of doom in the first place? it would have solved a heck of a lot of problems.

Re: interesting....

[poo-head.livejournal.com]

I read a fic where that happened.. it was amusing.

[lush-rimbaud.livejournal.com]

hee!

oh, and nothing to do with your post, but a fic rec for you: The Cybersex Lives of Hobbits. Really, really fabulous and funny and hot. ^_~

[mollyringle.livejournal.com]

*cackles in delight*
Ah, thank you for that, dear.

Actually, it is connected with this post. I mean, the lads (and lasses) being able to cybersex each other is clearly a huge advantage of introducing modern technology to LotR. ;)