Modern technology in LotR
Apr. 9th, 2003 05:28 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mollyringleA silly LOTR post...because it's been way, way too long.
Sometimes you encounter crossover or alternate-universe fanfics in which the Internet or TV or some other modern innovation (e.g., hair dryers, usually in conjunction with Pretty Elves) exists in Middle-Earth. So here's my flippant off-the-cuff list of...
Top Ten Advantages of Introducing Modern Technology to L.O.T.R.
Warning: possible spoilers.
10. Shampoo, electric razors, deodorant. Enough said. (Excepting Legolas, who doesn't appear to need these.)
9. Text message from Gandalf to Frodo: "It's OK, I'm alive. U guys in Mordor yet?"
8. Voice of Saruman could probably be shouted down with bullhorn.
7. Mithril vest for one member of Fellowship: good. Kevlar vests for all nine members of Fellowship: better.
6. Shock collar on Gollum would ensure he couldn't go sneaking ahead.
5. Cell phone call from Theoden to Eomer: "Yeah, we need you to turn around and come meet us at Helm's Deep. Right now. Oh, and bring the tank."
4. Anti-aircraft artillery very effective against flying Nazgul.
3. Shelob's Lair much easier to navigate with night-vision goggles.
2. Swords and Light of Earendil: good. Giant can of Raid sprayed directly into spider's eyes: better.
1. Attach Ring to atomic bomb. Have Gwaihir-the-eagle drop it on Mount Doom. Problem solved.
Feel free to suggest others. Granted, there would be serious disadvantages too - imagine if Sauron and Saruman got hold of heat-seeking missiles or whatnot. But this is just for fun, so let's not get too heavy.
And please note: I AM NOT BEING SERIOUS AND I DO REALIZE IT WOULD RUIN THE ENTIRE PLOT TO INTRODUCE MODERN INNOVATIONS.
Sorry about that. Sometimes people are humor-impaired and I need to put the Sarcasm Alert Sticker two inches in front of their eyes before they get it.
Sometimes you encounter crossover or alternate-universe fanfics in which the Internet or TV or some other modern innovation (e.g., hair dryers, usually in conjunction with Pretty Elves) exists in Middle-Earth. So here's my flippant off-the-cuff list of...
Top Ten Advantages of Introducing Modern Technology to L.O.T.R.
Warning: possible spoilers.
10. Shampoo, electric razors, deodorant. Enough said. (Excepting Legolas, who doesn't appear to need these.)
9. Text message from Gandalf to Frodo: "It's OK, I'm alive. U guys in Mordor yet?"
8. Voice of Saruman could probably be shouted down with bullhorn.
7. Mithril vest for one member of Fellowship: good. Kevlar vests for all nine members of Fellowship: better.
6. Shock collar on Gollum would ensure he couldn't go sneaking ahead.
5. Cell phone call from Theoden to Eomer: "Yeah, we need you to turn around and come meet us at Helm's Deep. Right now. Oh, and bring the tank."
4. Anti-aircraft artillery very effective against flying Nazgul.
3. Shelob's Lair much easier to navigate with night-vision goggles.
2. Swords and Light of Earendil: good. Giant can of Raid sprayed directly into spider's eyes: better.
1. Attach Ring to atomic bomb. Have Gwaihir-the-eagle drop it on Mount Doom. Problem solved.
Feel free to suggest others. Granted, there would be serious disadvantages too - imagine if Sauron and Saruman got hold of heat-seeking missiles or whatnot. But this is just for fun, so let's not get too heavy.
And please note: I AM NOT BEING SERIOUS AND I DO REALIZE IT WOULD RUIN THE ENTIRE PLOT TO INTRODUCE MODERN INNOVATIONS.
Sorry about that. Sometimes people are humor-impaired and I need to put the Sarcasm Alert Sticker two inches in front of their eyes before they get it.
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no subject
Date: 2003-04-09 06:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-04-09 06:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-04-09 06:43 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-04-09 06:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-04-09 07:18 pm (UTC)9. Text message from Gandalf to Frodo: "It's OK, I'm alive. U guys in Mordor yet?" *giggles madly*
I love your wit and sarcasm. Makes the LoTR fandom a great place to be.
Sauron doesn't stand a chance
Date: 2003-04-09 07:33 pm (UTC)Sam and Frodo are stylin' when they cruise around Middle Earth in their shiny red sports car.
Why sing all those ancient songs and poems yourself when you can listen to an awesome techno remix on CD?
With a single platoon of M240 machine gunners at the Battle of Helms Deep, Aragorn can say to Gandalf, "I'm glad to see you big guy but I think we have everything under control."
Load them all onto a C-130 with parachutes: instant airborne fellowship.
Neutron bomb: will kill every living thing in Mordor but leave the bad-ass tower of Barad Dur still standing. Pefect for throwing awesome Halloween parties.
no subject
Date: 2003-04-09 08:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-04-09 08:16 pm (UTC)Frodo: "Good news, Sam! Gandalf's alive and everyone's okay! I no longer feel so much like I'm naked in the dark and there's nothing between me and the wheel of fire."
no subject
Date: 2003-04-09 08:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-04-09 08:21 pm (UTC)Yeah, it's probably not worth losing the "manly stubble" jokes. But sometimes I really want to take a razor to Aragorn's face.
no subject
Date: 2003-04-09 08:27 pm (UTC)George Bush: he would have taken a preemptive strike agaist Sauron before he could gather all his forces.. jk (do not take that seriously.. pulease
~Thank you for posting those
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Date: 2003-04-09 08:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-04-09 09:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-04-09 09:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-04-09 09:18 pm (UTC)Wargs with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads.
Serving secret fire/wielding flame of Anor: good. Industrial-strength fire extinguisher: better.
-Nithy
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Date: 2003-04-09 09:26 pm (UTC)- "Hrmmmm, hoom! Sure I've heard of Hobbits! Hoom! But I just assumed that footage was from a mockumentary that used a cool-ass combination of CGI effects and old-fashioned perspective tricks."
- "Honey? Honey come in here and check out this GNN travel report on Eriador. Doesn't this local tour guide look sort of, I dunno, Numenorian?"
- "The White Council turned its mind to Gollum's whereabouts, but someone [glancing sideways at Elrond in irritation] forget to get a new 9-volt for his handheld GPS, so it took us, like, 2 extra hours to pick up the lo-jack signal I tagged him with."
- "Next up in our 'Gondor Besieged' coverage, images from our exclusive EctheliCam show a host of horsemen bearing down on the Minas Tirith area. We'll analyze the footage with a retired Citadel Guard..."
- "They were out of Kingsfoil, but I found some Cipro at the 7-Elevensy. Will that work?"
- "You will taste man-flesh! And don't forget to order the new McSouthron special while you're there!! With a Kiddy Palantir while supplies last. (Your parents put it together.)"
no subject
Date: 2003-04-09 09:28 pm (UTC)Nice work Lemonlye!
Re: Sauron doesn't stand a chance
Date: 2003-04-09 09:58 pm (UTC)Neutron bomb idea is way cool. It's true; you really wouldn't waste cool architecture like Barad-Dur or Cirith Ungol.
*imagines LOTR with Matrix-style techno soundtrack*...eeek!
no subject
Date: 2003-04-09 10:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-04-09 10:03 pm (UTC)Was wondering how to deal with the Balrog. Industrial-strength fire extinguisher is a nice idea. Fire hoses, too, maybe?
no subject
Date: 2003-04-09 10:07 pm (UTC)Oh, boy, the possibilities with 'Gondor Besieged' coverage. Would that make Merry an "embedded reporter"?
Seven-Elevensy..*giggle*
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Date: 2003-04-09 10:09 pm (UTC)Your icon is hilarious, btw. :)
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Date: 2003-04-09 10:26 pm (UTC)your icon rules!
that totally made my day
^_^
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Date: 2003-04-10 12:20 am (UTC)You rule. :-)
no subject
Date: 2003-04-10 02:49 am (UTC)