Diary of Faramir

[mollyringle]

Okay...*deep breath*. This feels cheap and slightly blasphemous (for treading upon Cassie's territory, not for treading upon Tolkien's), but here's the result of my attempt at the VSD's.
* * *

Disclaimer: Done in the style of, and as a tribute to, cassieclaire, who started this whole wonderful thing. Tolkien's characters do not belong to me (nor to her), and nobody gives us money for using them.

The Very Secret Diary of Faramir, son of Denethor

Day 1: Boromir is dead. Most upsetting. Wonder if this means Dad will let me have Horn of Gondor? Boromir always got more dates with that thing. Even though I bathed way more often than him.


Day 2: OK, not getting Horn of Gondor. Getting sent to clammy cave in Ithilien with bunch of archers instead. Think Dad has some "issues." He kept flicking a lighter on and off the whole time I was talking to him. Really weird. Hope he's snapped out of it by the time I get back.


Day 3: Productive day. Saw an army of guys in these wicked cool uniforms – black veils and eyeliner and stuff - I'm thinking the Gondor army should start dressing like that. Anyway, they were the enemy and we killed them.

Also captured two tiny spies who say their names are Samwise and Frodo. Probably a lie. Who would name their kids that?

Blindfolded them and carried them to cave. They claimed to be in Ithilien for the spa treatment. Clearly lying. Last spa around here closed ten years ago. Also said they knew Boromir. I asked how familiar they were with the Horn of Gondor. They just looked at me funny. Am guessing they did not encounter Horn that closely.

Incidentally, did not know hobbit gardeners were so intent on giving footrubs to their masters.


Day 4: Am I the only one who's noticed how cute the blue-eyed hobbit is? Wonder if he's interested in trading up gardener for prince of Gondor.


Day 5: Why do we have to shoot anyone who gets into the pool? I never understood that.

Captured ill-favored gangly creature who was nicking fish. I wanted to drop-kick creature off cliff, but Frodo used big blue eyes on me and convinced me not to. Am getting too damn soft.


Day 6: Asked ill-favored gangly creature if Frodo was seeing anyone. He said "Fat one always watching. Kills you if you try anything." Hmm. May have to reinstate blindfold rule.


Day 7: Frodo v. naughty. Has been lying to me – turns out he is carrying Ring of power. Will definitely have to handcuff him and take him to sunny beaches of Osgiliath with me and serve him pineapple drinks with little umbrellas. As punishment, of course.


Day 8: In Osgiliath. Slight problem here as city is under attack by forces of Mordor, but otherwise am looking forward to nice three-day weekend with Ringbearers. Have decided gardener can still give Frodo footrubs as long as I get other parts. Am capable of sharing, unlike some deceased brothers I could name.

Hoping to bring little fellows home with me. Then I could give Ring to Dad, which might brighten up his mood. Maybe in return he could give me Horn of Gondor, or some other babe-magnet trinket from the ancestral vaults. I mean, we must have lots of cool stuff back there.


Day 9: Sent postcard to Aragorn at Helm's Deep. Suspect he will be v. jealous to see photo of me on beach with arm around Frodo and Sam. Haha - see what could happen if you'd wash your hair, King-boy?


Day 10:: Hrrmf. Ringbearers are off to Mount Doom. Was going to force Frodo to stay, under penalty of arrow through the foot, but he used big blue tear-filled eyes on me again, so I let him go.

Will never be Steward of Gondor if I keep being such a sap. Don't know what I'm going to tell Dad about losing the Ring.

Think Dad is right: I suck.

Comments

[sweetfires.livejournal.com]

Hey, not bad for an attempt to fill Cassie Claire's shoes! I like :)

[shirasade]

Heh, I'm glad you wrote this - was chuckling all the way through. Great way to start a day! :)

[vulcanprincess6.livejournal.com]

i just had to reply and say that i love your icon :o)

in relation to the topic(dont feel like making separate post)...i never read anything by this cassie person either but this was cool.

[lorem_ipsum]

The Very Secrect Diaries are not to be missed.

[grass-stained.livejournal.com]

hahahaha that was perfect! You totally nailed cassieclaire's style, and that was sooo funny. great job.

(I, too, am sorry to see that she hasn't posted recently, but I appreciate you trying to fill the void!)

[mira-fastfire.livejournal.com]

Hey I like!! :D Quite frankly, I enjoyed this FAR more than the last part of Cassie's. :P Just a bit more practice, and you'll be UBERGOOD! ;D

[tiniowien.livejournal.com]

Certainly not a bad try. Cassie is a Goddess when it comes to these things, and it's hard to measure up, but you've made a very nice start. Keep it up. ^_^

I loooved this

[(Anonymous)]

specially the big blue eyes, wai!

[ladydragonspaw.livejournal.com]

most amusing. I must add this cassie

[dorei.livejournal.com]

Good start ... and as someone else said, better than the last one of Cassie's, who was losing interest in doing them.

In response to the last line of your VSD, the question remains, "but does he swallow?"

Sorry ... sorry ...

[mollyringle.livejournal.com]

*snicker*

I think a lot of fanfiction has attempted to answer that question.

[angel7step.livejournal.com]

...and the torch is passed.

[mollyringle.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I was, of course, given the necessary courage by the memory of the lovely VSD's you RedBoard people wrote. :)

[cenire.livejournal.com]

Mreheheh. Cassie's shoes are hard to fill, but this is very funny. And she certainly seems to be losing interest / time for the VSD enterprise.

I'm sending this to my sisters so they can enjoy it too. :D

[ninjalawyer.livejournal.com]

Perfect. Thanks!

[celticmommy.livejournal.com]

*giggles* I actually haven't read anything by this cassie person of which you speak. I think I'll have to check that out now.

I think you did a bang up job. Rock on with yer bad self!

[mollyringle.livejournal.com]

Ahh, yes, they'll make a lot more sense in light of the originals. Which are among the funniest things ever. I can't pick a favorite line or even a favorite diary, though I'm tempted to say Sam's, for its barely-hidden ubercrush on Frodo. "Mr. Frodo is so brave, handsome, tall, and wonderful! ...OK, so possibly isn't all that tall."

[lorem_ipsum]

The Very Secrect Diaries are not to be missed.

Re:

[celticmommy.livejournal.com]

Ooh! Thanks for the link!

*starts reading now*

[shebit.livejournal.com]

It's tricky to top or replace cassieclaire, but this was a great try.

I'm having a rather bad day, and this did a little to cheer me up, at least.

Now I just need to set Samwise on the guy who caused my bad day and I'll be happy.

Hmm, I think I may need to go track down some new Legolas/Aragorn slash to cheer myself up.

[(Anonymous)]

you should read this:
http://bagenders.stormpages.com/

[melieltathariel.livejournal.com]

Your sense of humor is different from Cassie's but just as good. Keep it up!

[leiabelle.livejournal.com]

Yay! New VSDs! :D
I'm glad to see someone doing them because they enjoy the style and the humour, not because they feel like they owe their fans. (Am a big Cassie fan, but if she doesn't want to do them, then you might as well!)

Day 9: Sent postcard to Aragorn at Helm's Deep. Suspect he will be v. jealous to see photo of me on beach with arm around Frodo and Sam. Haha - see what could happen if you'd wash your hair, King-boy?

Bwahahaha, awesome. Thanks for a laugh!

[mollyringle.livejournal.com]

I'm glad to see someone doing them because they enjoy the style and the humour, not because they feel like they owe their fans

Exactly - that was all I wanted; this was just so everyone could have some fun. Glad you concur. :)

thank you!

[xlovesonlymusex.livejournal.com]

lemonlye made my day. laughed v. hard. now am having trouble writing full sentences. he he.

thank you for that. great way to start the day. almost as good as cofee.

[crystal-blitz.livejournal.com]

"Will definitely have to handcuff him and take him to sunny beaches of Osgiliath with me and serve him pineapple drinks with little umbrellas. As punishment, of course."

Of course.
ROFL!! :D
Thanks for that!

[(Anonymous)]

That's jokes. Good work.

[calenluin.livejournal.com]

I could not stop reading when I read day 3!! too funny!! Thanks so much for posting that.

[marjun.livejournal.com]

May have to reinstate blindfold rule.

LOL! I loved it!

[oloriel.livejournal.com]

Yess! The legend lives on!

"Have decided gardener can still give Frodo footrubs as long as I get other parts. Am capable of sharing, unlike some deceased brothers I could name."
*giggles manically*
Good job.

[starfishchick]

Bwah!

Especially loved "Day 5: Why do we have to shoot anyone who gets into the pool? I never understood that."

I never understood that either. ;)

[mollyringle.livejournal.com]

Me neither...which is why I included it. :)

(My all-knowing husband: "Because then it means they'd know where the hideout was. Duh." OK, but why not just capture them? Why kill them? Still don't understand.)

[celtic4.livejournal.com]

*dies laughing*

Awesome!

[enigel]

He kept flicking a lighter on and off the whole time I was talking to him.

he he, setting the scene for the future events? :>

someone said earlier that "the torch is passed"; I concur: as long as you enjoy doing them, I hope you're going to continue the noble mission :)

[mollyringle.livejournal.com]

Yay, someone caught the Pyre-of-Denethor reference! :D

I'll certainly think about doing some more. It was a fun way to pass the afternoon - more fun than studying, anyway.

[banger7.livejournal.com]

Slash fiction some women's fascination with it remains a mystery to me.

[mollyringle.livejournal.com]

'Tis an acquired taste which I do not wish to force on anyone.

But maybe being a woman would be a good first step toward understanding. ;)

[banger7.livejournal.com]

Care to elaborate?

I'm a male, and I don't have a corresponding interest in fanfiction involving lesbianism.

[mollyringle.livejournal.com]

Ah...well, I was going to say "It's the same as the way guys find lesbians hot," but I guess that won't fly for you. Still, for me anyway, the same rule applies: I find each of the participants attractive, so there's twice as much to look at (or, in this case, read about). Plus, being girls, we often like to infuse a love element, so that the guys are tender and sensitive and all that sappy stuff.

For what it's worth, though, I'm not particularly interested in all slash, just a few selected pairings, usually on the strength of already-existing subtext. Frodo & Sam, for instance, have oodles of this (I know that's a hotly contested issue - I'm just saying to me they do). When it gets to things like the Secret Diaries and other parody, then it's not really about slash anymore; it's just about entertainment value. I don't really see a lot of Faramir/Frodo subtext in the original Tolkien, but the spirit of the Secret Diaries is "Everyone hits on Frodo." So that's how I wrote it. I would find heterosexual or lesbian situations equally funny in the same spirit.

Some women claim that slash is all about establishing female power over male participants and making them into whatever we want them to be, and other feminist-style explanations (see this article (http://www.bitchmagazine.com/archives/04_03slash/slash.html) for one such attempt at figuring it out). I think that's making it more complicated and political than it really is, but I can only speak for myself, of course.

I also think there's some lovely potential subtext between Eowyn and Merry, just to prove I'm also a "traditional"/heterosexual romantic. (Well, traditional except for that "interspecies" element.) :) And, in truth, the first time I encountered LOTR slash, I thought it tacky, and left the site quickly. Only later did curiosity get the better of me and induce me to have another look. Strange how you can get accustomed to it...

[banger7.livejournal.com]

I guess it will remain a mystery cloaked in chromosomes :P

To be honest, most other fanfic doesn't work for me either; as such, the fixation of many women on what seems to me a particularly specific and unusual sub-genre of fanfic is even more puzzling.

While I wouldn't go so far as to say that fanfic amounts to heresy, I have never been able to appreciate what such authors would regard as respectful inspiration as the reason for writing such fiction, even when parodying it. Adding homoerotic elements to the fanfic just makes that appreciation even less tenable.

I did enjoy the parody of "The Two Towers" you wrote back in December, though. While the slash content didn't interest me, I found the characters' commenting on the plot while in scene and the audience reactions to be what made it so humorous. Of course, this goes back to my not enjoying fanfic much, as what I found entertaining wasn't so much the added fanfic elements (in this case mostly slash stuff), but the commentary that served as a humorous review of the film.

YGBMMV

[mollyringle.livejournal.com]

Glad you fondly remember the TTT parody. :) Yeah, I'm not terribly interested in fanfic as a whole, either. I basically read it for a) smut, and/or b) humor. And I usually only read LOTR fics, at that, which is probably just a reflection of my current humongous LOTR obsession in general. I do try to keep the world of the original canon separate, in my mind, from the world created by slashers or other fanfic writers. I know it's hard to believe from some of the stuff I've put in this journal, but that book (or trilogy, depending how you look at it) means the world to me, and I only subject it to fluff and parody because otherwise it would devastate me with its tragedies and its bittersweet not-quite-happy endings. Another melancholy Goth phase really isn't what I need...I prefer the snarky me. :)

Dude

[gimlilvr22.livejournal.com]

I cannot express my joy enough. I refer to your TTT parody on a regular basis and use it to flame friends in friendly debates. (In other words, anybody but Gimli fanatic gets huge spaz from Kit, here. ;))

I loved Cassie's VSD, and I think you're doing a fabulous job, espically compared to her last Legolas one. V. disappointing. :( But this is cute 'n' funny, and please continue!! :)

Re: Dude

[mollyringle.livejournal.com]

Aww, thanks. :) Glad Gimli has such a loyal fan contingent. I know our elf and our hobbit boys get an awful lot of the attention (including from me...). Anyway, I gave our Dwarf a mention in the latest entry, Frodo's diary. Hope it does him justice.

Re: Dude

[gimlilvr22.livejournal.com]

I LOVE YOU!!! Yes, the Mullet-Quartet and nancing elf DO get a lot of attention... LOL, thanks for the pro-Gimli thing in there- v. appreciated over here! :) All my friends are getting a huge kick out of your VSD segments, please keep it up! :)