Throbbing manroots and other botanical oddities

[mollyringle]

I've just finished proofing the (electronic) galleys for The Ghost Downstairs (yes, I'll tell you once I have my release dates), so it's time for some lightweight material. What better for the occasion than this long, but hilarious, thread on the phrases in romance novels that drive readers crazy?

Considering it goes on for 700 comments and still running, I haven't read them all. But some of my favorites are:

"man-root"
"burning sword of his manhood"
a character having violet eyes (A peeve of mine for sure. I have never seen anyone with violet eyes.)
bodies turning to "molten lava" during sex
"laving" of nipples
"going blind" during sex (one reader writes, "all I can do is hope she isn't actually suffering a retinal detachment")
"releasing his boiling tribute into her"

Yikes. I better stop there before this post becomes unsuitable for minors.

Comments

[sopdetly.livejournal.com]

...

It's boiling?!

OW. For everyone's sake. FREAKIN' OW.

[modmerseygirl.livejournal.com]

I am SO excited about your book! :-) Yay!

[kali-kali.livejournal.com]

Ye gods, I've read some dreadful fanfiction in my time (in fact, quite a lot of it in the past two days, as it seems good NCIS fic is hard to find), and a lot of it uses such metaphors, but the boiling tribute really does take the cake. Yowch.

[elycia.livejournal.com]

Okay, yeah, most of those are pretty awful. But for the record, Elizabeth Taylor really does have violet eyes. (It especially shows in National Velvet and Cleopatra from what I read; I haven't seen either movie beginning to end. I've always thought she was the most beautiful woman on earth, in part because of those remarkable and unusual eyes.

[astroman-rich.livejournal.com]

Wait, you mean that when I say things like that they're NOT seductive?

Damn it.

[katymulvey.livejournal.com]

It's cute, though. You're saying that's not what you're aiming for?

[kalquessa.livejournal.com]

*snickers*

[ramaustin.livejournal.com]

hot damn!

[astroman-rich.livejournal.com]

I'd tell you, but Molly implied that this thread should be safe for minors... :-)

[(Anonymous)]

"burning sword of his manhood" sounds like he needs an ointment.
and anything about "flowers" bugs me. "flower of womanhood" or "buds"

[kirstenfleur.livejournal.com]

At first I agreed with the "Boiling?!? Ow ow ow!" school of thought, but then it struck me- clearly, these are phrases from a romance novel describing the forbidden love of two volcano gods!
This also explains the "tribute" (seriously? tribute?) and the "bones turning to molten lava" and the burning swords everywhere.
I think the title of this wondrous work is Love in the Lava and that there are also many many descriptions of spectacular eruptions.
I also think that I will never become a published author if this is the best that I can come up with. :) Congratulations, btw, and I'm eagerly awaiting your book!

[mollyringle.livejournal.com]

I know! You can just hear the paramedics phoning it in to the hospital: "We're bringing in a man and a woman with severe second-degree burns to the genitals...*howls of pain in background*..."

[mollyringle.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I hope to have release dates to share one of these weeks. :)

[mollyringle.livejournal.com]

And to think, it got past all those editors. Someone must actually dig this stuff.

[mollyringle.livejournal.com]

Huh, I used to think that was just due to contact lenses. But I guess she truly is blessed that way. Quite unusual and pretty!

[mollyringle.livejournal.com]

Presumably the author thinks they are, so it depends who you're sleeping with. ;)

[mollyringle.livejournal.com]

Yes, all those burning sensations do suggest the need for a visit to the doctor, ASAP.

[mollyringle.livejournal.com]

Bhaha! Maybe you can publish a romance parody novel. Then the lava gods would get their chance to shine. (Pele's Passions?)

[naill-renfro.livejournal.com]

I just hate it when my body turns to molten lava during sex.

/And even more when my wife's does.

[katfairy.livejournal.com]

Saw another comment on this, but had to add my two cents: violet eyes are rare, but do exist. They just aren't purple as the name would seem to imply. Just as hazel eyes aren't necessarily brown; sometimes they're more green, and I knew someone whose eyes turned nearly yellow depending on lighting/what he wore/etc. (We used to tease him about having mood eyes; they really did look different colors with different moods.)

I tend to ignore eye color unless the description is unnecessarily poetic, because whatever the description is, there's probably someone out there who can match it.

[mollyringle.livejournal.com]

Kills the moment. Not to mention the mattress.

Sounds like a nasty superpower that drives a person to join the X-Men, actually.

[mollyringle.livejournal.com]

I'm sure violet eyes do exist in real life, but nowhere near as often as they show up in fiction. :)

True on those other eye colors, though. Mine are green/brown, with lighting and clothing shades bringing out one hue over the other variously. And my husband's are almost unclassifiable. If you look close, they're made up of patches of gray/blue and patches of green/brown. The overall effect is greenish.

[naill-renfro.livejournal.com]

It's a recipe for crispy baked manroot.

[mollyringle.livejournal.com]

*snorfle*

That almost sounds tasty. Hmm. Disturbing.

[naill-renfro.livejournal.com]

Supplies may be a bit limited, I fear.

/"Oh, as usual, dear."