Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, condensed.

Here it is! I'll leave it up in this probationary form, so to speak, for a few days--i.e., it's still open to additions and corrections if you think of any. Either way, enjoy!

HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN, condensed.
By Molly Ringle, with all proper credits and apologies to J.K. Rowling, who likely has no idea I'm alive.
Rating: PG-13. Like many of my jokes, this might not be entirely suitable for younger kids.

CHAPTER ONE: THE DURSLEYS' SWINGIN' PAD

Midnight. HARRY is under his covers with a flashlight, reading about witches who enjoyed tickling themselves with flames. Sounds weird out of context, huh?
Three owls come sailing in through the window and thump onto his bed.
HARRY: Cool, mail!
RON: (*via letter*) Check it out, we won money! So we're in Egypt. Here's a Sneakoscope, to let you know when untrustworthy people are near. Happy birthday!
READERS: The Dursleys are near. Why isn't it spinning and lighting up?
HERMIONE: (*via letter*) Hey, big boy. I took a moment from writing ridiculously long essays to send you this. Take good care of that thing for me. *wink*
HARRY: Uh...(*unwraps gift*) Oh! Broomstick maintenance kit. Nice.
Last package is a snarling MONSTER BOOK that snaps and growls and hides under the bed.
HAGRID: (*via letter*) Happy birthday, Harry! Thought you might need this. Won't say no more here. "Shifty glance around." Wait, that's my stage direction. See you soon!
HARRY: Aw, they love me! I'm so happy.
READERS: Happy?? Monster Book! Growling! Under the bed! ( Read more... )