mollyringle: (Hogwarts)
Hi everyone,
I finally rounded out my Harry Potter condensed parody collection by writing one for Order of the Phoenix, and it is now done and you can read it here! (Also here.)

Or at least, my parody series WAS complete until they released that eighth book yesterday. I'm ignoring that detail for now.
Feel free to send anyone to my full collection of parodies if you think they'd like them. They include not only the HP books but the Lord of the Rings movies, and a couple of other random things.

Now I get to bring my attention back to my own novels, which have been a tad neglected during this process, but which I'll be happy to dive into again.

Hope you're having a lovely summer!

----

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, condensed

by Molly Ringle
August 1, 2016
With no permission from, and many apologies and thanks to, J.K. Rowling.


CHAPTER ONE: LET’S START WITH A LITTLE WHINGING


HARRY: The Dursleys are mean and my wizard friends aren’t telling me the Voldemort news and I’m grumpy. I mean, yes, that’s my usual mood for most of the series, but I’m REALLY FEELING IT this book, you guys.
Then his summer gets a lot more exciting when DEMENTORS appear in the alley and corner HARRY and DUDLEY! A DEMENTOR sucks DUDLEY’s face until HARRY chases it off with the Patronus Charm.
HEAD OF DEPARTMENT OF CAPS LOCK RAGE: Hello! I’ll be tallying caps lock rage. So far, one line for Harry, followed by one for Dudley. Carry on.
Read more... )
mollyringle: (Yaquina Head lighthouse)
So my mom dug this up in the grounds of our family beach house recently, buried in a teeny plastic lipstick-tube-like container. It would seem my sister Peg and I made a time capsule, which I do not remember doing at all.





Transcript if you can't read the photo:

Good job! If you liked finding this, write your own note somewhere and bury it. Put the map in the envelope w/ the others.
Molly & Peg Ringle
Aug. '88
P.S. If this is Camille, thanx for the idea

I am left with many questions, such as:

a) Who is Camille?
b) What map? What envelope?
c) 13-year-old self, why didn't you say something actually interesting if you were going to the trouble of a time capsule?
d) No cash or treasure or anything? You cheapskate.

mollyringle: (arthur)
I still have SUCH a fandom hangover after the Merlin finale. So I wrote this, to the tune of that one Sinead O'Connor song we all know by heart. I figure anyone who's ever had a fandom hangover can relate, and might smile.

Btw, despite the lyrics, I have in fact started watching Once Upon a Time and I do actually like it so far and will keep watching, in hopes that it will ease me off this angst.

---
It's been seven hours and fifteen days
Since "The Diamond of the Day"
I read fic every night and weep all day
Since "The Diamond of the Day"

Now that it's done I can watch whatever I want
Fill my queue with whatever I choose
I can binge on shows that all my friends are on
But nothing, I said nothing can take away these blues

'Cause nothing compares, nothing compares to you

It's been so lonely without my knights
No more fun in Camelot
Nothing can stop these fangirl tears from flowing
Tell me, Arthur, how is Avalon?

Nothing compares, nothing compares to you

I can Google everything Colin Morgan's done
But it'd only remind me of you
I went onto Facebook and guess what they told me
Guess what they told me
They said girl you better try Once Upon A Time or Robin Hood
But that's no good

'Cause nothing compares, nothing compares to you

All the laughter over donkey ears
From the old days
All died with that final show
I know that hiding magic, Merlin, was sometimes hard
But we're willing to let all the plot holes slide

Nothing compares, nothing compares to you
mollyringle: (couple w/ umbrella on street)
I've neglected you, blog. Sorry, blog!

Here are some random funny literary things.

loki

I'm reading an intro to Norse mythology (because Greek is the only mythology I know in much depth and I want to branch out). You probably already know this story, but I wanted to share: at one point, Loki turns himself into a mare to distract a guy's stallion, gets pregnant by said stallion (as a mare), and gives birth to an eight-legged horse. Then he turns back into himself and gives the awesome eight-legged horse to Odin ("look what I made!"). So yes, essentially, mythology was doing mpreg* and every other cracked-out thing fanfic can think up waaaay before fanfic.

But then, I did already know that, since Zeus gives birth to Athena via his skull, and to Dionysos via his thigh. So.

*male pregnancy. A dramatic device in some fanfic. Because we all want Legolas to have stretch marks and burger cravings.

shakespeare
It's really unprofessional of Shakespeare to talk to his editor this way, BUT it's still funny.

poem
(Poetry fans will get it.)

artist
True. Although you should still have some magic barefoot days, just to stay happy!
mollyringle: (Giles - librarians)
For librarians, Buffy fans, or...well, that covers an awful lot of cool people right there. The Toast once again delights me inordinately, this time with a list of courses Rupert Giles had to take:

http://the-toast.net/2014/09/04/rupert-giles-mls/

Unlike with many pages, this time it's a great idea to read the comments too. They are full of the Giles love.

Link salad

Jun. 16th, 2014 12:39 pm
mollyringle: (Buffy - drive like a spaz)
Some things that have made me laugh lately:

Two medieval monks invent maps.
MONK #1: wait remind me of what Asia looks like when you put it all together at once
MONK #2: a big horse with wings that’s about to eat Europe
MONK #1: right right thanks
MONK #2: no problem

Similarly, Western Art History: 500 Years of Women Ignoring Men.

A Benedict Cumberbatch coloring book that just got released on Amazon. "This colouring in activity book celebrates Mr Cumberbatch with a series of black and white drawings for you to colour in. All you need is some colour pencils, felt tip pens, good old crayons… or would watercolours suit this posh poster boy better?"
We're almost through season 3 of "Sherlock" (finally, belatedly), so, good timing.

The guy whose video went deservedly viral; the one in which he lip-synched to Celine Dion's "All By Myself" when stuck overnight in the Las Vegas airport.

Flight of the Conchords, the HBO show that ran for two seasons, featuring two lovable, silly, highly parody-talented musicians from New Zealand. I adore pretty much all of it that I've seen so far. Available to stream free on Amazon Prime if you have that.
mollyringle: (Buffet of victims)
So I read: "Aragorn and Legolas went now with Eomer in the van." And of course automatically I think, "Hehe. Wonder if anyone's photoshopped the image in my head."

eomer aragorn legolas van

Yeah. Of course they have.

Saruman would've gotten away with it, too, if it hadn't been for those meddling kids.

(Though in my head I was more picturing one of those white or dark blue generic vans they share at college science departments. Aragorn driving, Legolas looking out the window with iPod earbuds in, Eomer asleep in the backseat with his mouth open, weapons packed awkwardly all around them. Woo, Helm's Deep road trip!)
mollyringle: (Buffet of victims)
A mini condensed parody happened during my re-read of The Lord of the Rings. Here's the page I whipped up to bring the long and dense Council of Elrond chapter into a shorter form. Perhaps we can call it "A Shortcut to the Council of Elrond."

Elrond: Hi everyone. Welcome to the secret meeting about secret dark things. Glóin, start us off?
Glóin: So a guy from "Lord Sauron" came by the Dwarf towns and was all, "Nice civilization you got here. Real shame if anything happened to it." And he wanted us to join Sauron and tell him about the Shire and hobbits and a ring. But we didn't.
Elrond: Good. Here's some background, then!
(Two hours later, after he has read The Silmarillion aloud to the assembled company...)
Elrond: To sum up, it was ugly last time Sauron was in a fighting mood. Trust me. I was there.
Frodo: You were THERE? How ancient are you?
Elrond: A little tact, Frodo, kthx.
Boromir: My turn! It might interest you guys to know that over in Minas Tirith, we're always fighting Mordor and keeping the world safe for epic sung poems and beer. So, YOU'RE WELCOME, everybody.
Aragorn: Well, I'VE been guarding everywhere OTHER than Minas Tirith, plus I've got the sword that was broken. See? I'm Isildur's heir. Ha. It's okay, you can thank me later.
Boromir: Yeah, I'm sure you've been real useful, hitchhiking around with your guitar and your weed, but Gondor's getting along fine without you.
Bilbo: Don't you disrespect! Whew, I'm hungry, is it lunchtime yet?
Elrond: Your turn to talk about the Ring, Bilbo.
Bilbo: Woohoo! Lunch can wait!
(Two hours later, after he has read The Hobbit aloud to the assembled company, with "actual unedited riddles" scene added...)
Elrond: Okay thank you. Enough. Gandalf, now you.
Gandalf: Twenty long years did I spend upon my doctoral thesis, What Is Going On With That Ring Bilbo Found, but finally my research proved that it was indeed the One Ring forged by Sauron to rule them all. So THEN, I tracked down Gollum, and found out he'd been tortured and told the enemy all about the Shire. So I handed him over to Aragorn.
Aragorn: But he was stinky so I dumped him in Elf prison. He's totally locked up for good.
Legolas: Oh. Um. Yeah, about that. Funny story. He uh...kinda escaped.
Glóin: What?? Way to go, hairspray-brain.
Legolas: We didn't mean to! It was Gollum's tree-climbing day and there were Orcs and stop blaming me!
Gandalf: Okay so ANYWAY, you guys are interrupting me, THEN I went to Saruman the White for counsel, only he was all, "I'm Saruman the Rainbow-Colored now!," and I was like, "White looked better," and he locked me up but an eagle rescued me and I got the awesomest horse from Rohan; his name's Shadowfax; seriously, he's so fast; and I tried to find Frodo but he had already left the Shire, so THEN, I went to Bree and found out where Frodo was. Btw, did you guys know Barliman Butterbur is fat?
Aragorn: LOL, OMG, so fat.
Elrond: Okay then. The Ring. Ideas?
Erestor: Give it to Tom Bombadil?
Gandalf: Interesting, but no.
Glorfindel: Throw it into the sea?
Gandalf: It wouldn't stay there.
Boromir: USE IT TO RULE THEM ALL, duh.
Gandalf: It's EVIL; were you listening? Big "no" on that idea.
Elrond: So we're down to "throw it into Mount Doom." Who wants to?
Everybody: ....
Bilbo: Me!
Gandalf: *snort*. No.
Frodo: Sigh. Fine. Me.
Elrond: Good! I was going to make you do it anyway.
Sam: Me too me too me too!
Elrond: SECRET meeting, Samwise, I said SECRET. Yes, fine, you too.
mollyringle: (Hogwarts)
Latest parody. I manage about one of these a year, it would seem. Only one HP book left for me to do, though! Enjoy...

HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE, condensed

by Molly Ringle
with respect and apologies for J.K. Rowling

READERS haul book off shelf and nearly fall over under its weight.
READERS: What the hell? Why is it so huge?
ROWLING: Funny story! So my editors were like, "People are getting a bit tired of Quidditch," and I was like, "How could anyone ever get tired of Quidditch?" And they were like, "Let's try some other big competition instead," and I was like, "OR, we could do BOTH." So yeah. We ended up with a 734-page novel.

CHAPTER ONE: DECREPIT, CREEPY, PROBABLY HAUNTED RIDDLE MANSION

Meet FRANK. He's an ancient war veteran who's had a lonely, thankless life guarding the Riddle Mansion because he has absolutely no friends. Everyone say, "Hi, Frank!"
READERS: Hi, Frank.
FRANK: Now what's this? Strange lights in the mansion? Better investigate.
VOLDEMORT: Ah, Wormtail, murdering people is so great. Won't it be awesome when we kill Harry Potter?
FRANK: Now Mister, you wait just a--
VOLDEMORT: Oh, a Muggle. Everyone say, "Bye, Frank."
READERS: Bye, Frank.
Read more... )
mollyringle: (comet)
sirius

I'm not a good astronomer, only able to pick out a few constellations or individual stars. But Sirius is probably the one star I'd know just by looking at it even without Orion nearby to point the way. All stars twinkle, but Sirius glitters and flashes--red! blue! yellow! white! full spectrum! I stared at it a while last night, and when I pointed it out to my husband and said it could easily be mistaken for a plane due to its brightness and flashiness, he peered at it and said, "No, that *has* to be a plane...doesn't it?"

Then the Pleiades and Jupiter grouped up together in one of the skylights over the bed, so, thank you all around, clear winter skies.

Speaking of astronomy, did you know there are two, yes, TWO possibly brilliant comets coming in 2013? Comet PANSTARRS will be the more modest opening act in March, and the potentially dazzling Comet ISON is due for around November. Keep an eye on astronomy pages for details. (This blog seems dedicated to the comets in particular.)

Speaking of science in general, you could do a lot worse for a new year's resolution than this philosophy from Neil deGrasse Tyson:

degrasse tyson

Or maybe you just need something faux-literary and silly. Here you go.

poeboy
mollyringle: (Buffet of victims)
Good couple of days for my fandoms lately.

We have of course the newer, longer Hobbit trailer...



...in which I found myself unexpectedly thinking, "Dang, there are some hot dwarves in that bunch." (Particularly Kili, though Thorin is handsome as well.) If it looks as though we're in for some broad, slightly dumb humor--well, let's be fair; that was kind of canon for The Hobbit as a novel. Drunk carousing elves and plate-chucking dwarves are part of what Tolkien gave us to work with. Can't expect Peter Jackson to just leave that lying on the table, can you?

Incidentally, as [livejournal.com profile] serai1 and I were discussing yesterday, Martin Freeman looks perfect as Bilbo, partially because he's already proven himself a great Arthur Dent--and, if we think about it, Arthur Dent kind of is Bilbo. They're both grumpy homebodies hauled at great reluctance from their houses to go on a grand perilous adventure, and spend most of the time wishing they had their tea. Or handkerchiefs. Hey, I can completely relate.

Switching gears, we also got an extended preview/trailer/thing for the new Les Misérables:



The more I see of it, the more I dare think they're getting Hugo's story as right as they can. They're adding book-faithful details that weren't in the stage show, such as the elephant statue inside which Gavroche sleeps. And the cast's voices sound awesome so far.

But if that's too heart-wrenching for you, and you want something funny, enjoy Neil Patrick Harris and Jason Segel breaking into an impromptu version of Javert and Valjean's confrontation song:



I LOL'd. Now I want Neil Patrick Harris to be in a production of Les Mis. He'd be a great Javert, but honestly he could be any part he wanted. Enjolras, Fantine, Eponine--whatever. He'd rock it.
mollyringle: (MST3LOTR-dance - arwen_elvenfair)
Things to make you laugh. Apologies to my Facebook friends, since I already posted these there.

1. The 15 funniest autocorrects from August 2012. My favorite may be "THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA IS THERE, INSIDE YOUR MOM."

2.

(Didn't really happen, but makes a good joke.)

3.


4. And sticking with the "Call Me Maybe" meme-theme, try watching this without grinning...
mollyringle: (Hermione)
Upon noting with friends how both botany and Harry-Potter-verse utilize a fair amount of faux Latin, I thought it might be fun to make up a quiz similar to that "IKEA product or Lord of the Rings character?" one that was going around a while back. We can call this one...

Houseplant or Hogwarts spell?

Let's go! What are the following--plants or spells? Get out your wands and try casting them:

1. Alohomora!
2. Ficus Elastica!
3. Gloriosa Superba!
4. Protego Horribilis!
5. Wingardium Leviosa!
6. Hedera Helix!
7. Salvio Hexia!
8. Furnunculus!
9. Dieffenbachia!
10. Dracaena Marginata!

Answers below the cut )
mollyringle: (Powerpuff - by Xenia)
I can't talk much about Les Misérables on Facebook anymore because people are starting to make fun of me for it over there. Luckily I still have this LJ, where no one particularly cares one way or the other. So--for those who might care, and for my own records:

This site is both cool and funny. It's a collection of the various illustrations that have been done for print editions of Les Mis over the decades, some pretty, some ugly, some very confusing. The site's captions have been giving me the occasional LOLs. For example:

Cosette dines at the Thénardiers with either the family cat or Gollum
Valjean considers calling the anti-graffiti hotline
and, perhaps my favorite,
Grand Prize Winner, World's Shortest And Least Effective Barricade

I have also lately learned that there is an anime version of Les Mis (Shōjo Cosette or Shoujo Cosette) that runs for like 25 hours (52 episodes) and, as far as I've gotten in it, includes more fluffy puppies than the original Hugo. But it's cute and sometimes oddly accurate and might be a good way to introduce kids to the story. (It probably gets more violent later--barricades and stuff, you know. I haven't gotten that far yet, but I can't see how they'd get around it.)
mollyringle: (York Minster - interior)
A parody of one of my favorite books in the world. Here! Read the unabridged in fifteen minutes!

Les Misérables, the unabridged condensed. If that makes sense.
Originally by Victor Hugo; this abridgement by Molly Ringle.

VICTOR HUGO: *sixty pages on how the Bishop of Digne is a really good guy* Then the real story begins...

TOWN OF DIGNE, 1815

JEAN VALJEAN: I'm a convict! No one'll take me in for the night! Grawr!
BISHOP: Sleep here, sir. In this room with lots of pretty silver that we don't lock up.
POLICE: (next day) Monsigneur, we caught this guy with your silver candlesticks.
JEAN VALJEAN: Which I was, uh, borrowing.
BISHOP: Yes, keep them! And the forks and the spoons and the shirt off my back. There. I have now purchased your soul and stuffed my near-supernatural goodness into it. You have to carry said goodness around for the rest of your life and be forced to act in accordance with it. Haha. Deal with that.

PARIS, 1817

THOLOMYES: Even though Hugo's description of me is repulsive, don't you love being my mistress, and hanging out with my band of sleazy friends?
FANTINE: Oh yes, darling!
THOLOMYES: Glad you had fun. So, bye. (leaves town permanently with no forwarding address)
FANTINE: That's okay, I'll just...manage...with our illegitimate child...and no job...alone.Read more... )
mollyringle: (sleazy fandom)
I don't in fact aim to invite a flame war, but there was this amusing moment in season 4 of The Big Bang Theory (a show that you should watch if you haven't yet, because it is hilarious):

---

Priya: Listen, Rajesh, Leonard and I have decided to see each other again, and you don’t get to tell me who I can and can’t have a relationship with.

Sheldon: Actually, he can. The Hindu Code of Manu is very clear in these matters. If a woman's father is not around, the duty of controlling her base desires falls to the closest male member of her family; in this case, Raj. The code also states that if she disobeys, she will be reborn in the womb of a jackal and tormented by diseases. If true, that seems like an awfully large gamble given that the prize is Leonard.

Raj: There it is, Priya. We're Indian. We believe this stuff.

Priya: I think it also says that if you eat beef, you need to live with cows for three months and drink their urine.

Raj: Some of it makes sense, some of it's crazy. My point is, you can't go out with Leonard.

---

"Some of it makes sense, some of it's crazy" is basically the response I got recently when (with great foolishness) I ventured to say on an online forum that it isn't wise to cite the Bible as a defense for being anti-gay, since you could also use the Bible to be pro-slavery and pro-stoning-women-to-death-for-adultery, not to mention anti-shellfish and a number of other "crazy" attitudes. It was coolly suggested that I don't really understand the Bible if I propose such parallels. Okay, some truth to that; I am not in fact a religious studies scholar. Nonetheless, it *is* almost indisputable that some of the Bible makes sense and some of it's crazy. And the parts that now seem crazy are usually due to out-of-date cultural standards (or maybe mistranslations). So, when are we ready to admit that gayness being an abomination to God is just as culturally out of date as slavery being A-OK with God?

The Big Bang Theory is comedy. They know Raj is actually objecting to his friend dating his sister because of a basic annoyance and disgust factor, not really because of religion. Religion is just a handy excuse. So, yeah. Parallel, much?
mollyringle: (tea setting)
Amusing moment encountered in Les Miserables--in case anyone ever wondered if cats were always this way, the answer seems to be yes:

Every one has noticed the taste which cats have for pausing and lounging between the two leaves of a half-shut door. Who is there who has not said to a cat, "Do come in!"
mollyringle: (Gryffindor)
This gave me an LOL this morning...



Being Fred and George, they completely would tease Ron about it if they'd noticed. I assume they just never looked at the boring old dormitory while working their mischief--can't think of another explanation.

Though on the serious side, if they had noticed, they could have saved everyone a heap of trouble. Hmm.
mollyringle: (Gryffindor)
SPOILERS AHOY!! (I didn't think anyone still lived who didn't know how the Harry Potter series ends, but on Facebook I was proven wrong. So. SPOILERS, YARR!)

1) Maggie Smith rocks. By stepping out between Snape and Harry early in the movie, and dueling Snape straight out of the castle, she once again proves her awesomeness without even saying a word. Is there insurance I can buy to make sure I, too, have the steel and charisma of Dame Maggie when I'm elderly?

2) I find it ridiculously entertaining when actors get to do disguise-potion identities, such as Helena Bonham Carter pretending to be Hermione pretending to be Bellatrix.

3) Young Snape in his Pensieve flashback (which all of a sudden resembled one of the more romantic Tim Burton movies) is pretty much designed to make us Gothy-hearted types fall in love with him. But I do think it annoying and unjust--or just stupid on Snape's part--not to let us, or practically anyone else, see that attractive side of him, like, ever. Okay, so he was a double agent and had to be noxious to the good guys. But I don't know; he seemed to actually hate them. And that irks me.

4) I'm so glad the Hermione/Ron kiss didn't involve a house-elf discussion. However, getting drenched by dead-basilisk-infused water doesn't seem like the tidiest time to mouth someone else's face, either. Oh well.

5) Why am I crying so much at this movie? Why is Rupert Grint making me cry most of all? I was not prepared for his reaction at finding Fred. Sidenote, however: if you didn't know about Fred, and you were watching the film on a computer screen (which I was), you might've had trouble figuring out who they were kneeling and sobbing over. It's a bit subtle. But since I did know, it was very very sad and effective.

6) LOL at That Awkward Moment When Lord Voldemort Hugs You. Jeez, I never felt sorrier for Draco. (But I was proud of him for clearly not wanting to step forward and join the Dark Side.)

7) Neville's speech was another weepy point. But I wanted to step in there with a wet washcloth and interrupt him to take care of his head wound. It's a mom thing, perhaps.

8) Signs I'm getting older: Daniel Radcliffe looked handsome to me all middle-aged up. More so than usual, even. He also resembled youngish Michael Douglas a little that way. Huh. Odd.

And finally, irrelevant to this particular movie but still funny...

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